reflection pt.1

I’m tired of having the same conversations.

If we’re friends, hit me up and tell me what’s on your mind. I want to know what your going through, I want to know what’s on your agenda. Your plans? What’s keeping you up late?

Ya feel me?

I’m tired, and i’ve been tired this entire year. Chasing my own tail and going in circles. Same damn habits and addictions. Lost, filled with insecurity and uncertainty. I didn’t know what I wanted for myself anymore.

I’ve had a tough year and a lot of people I called “friends” have let me down. I want to get this out there because i’m not concerned about what people may think of me when I call them out on this. I’m not a person to flaunt how easily it is to cut people out because it isn’t. If you know anything about loyalty and compassion you wouldn’t be talking about how disposable your “friends” are to you. I have a lot of respect for the people I keep around me and their usually people i’ve known for a very long time. I don’t make friends easily. I’m a private person. Someone who is careful with what she says.

Today is my moms bday. It’s been on my mind all week, how do I call her? What do I say? Should I send a text instead? I haven’t seen or spoken to her in months. I know she’s going through a lot, and I feel guilty for not being there for her but I made my decision to keep my distance. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t deal with her problems at the same time deal with my own. I wish things were different. I really do. I don’t reach out often but my heart just isn’t there anymore. I don’t want to mend whats broken. I’m 23 and I’ve accepted the cards I’ve been dealt.

I want to be thankful. I used to think back on all the bad and would be filled with pride because I was proud of who I’ve become.. but I’ve become spiteful. This year I started to feel sorry for myself. I felt angry. I am angry at the events that I had to go through because it felt unfair. I felt sick to my stomach during these past months. I started to ask myself “what can I do?” I even thought about going to church, praying. I used to pray ever night when I was young. After my dad was gone, I prayed every night. Prayed for him, that he’d be okay, prayed for my brother and I. Cause God knows, we only had each other then. I don’t want to let the struggle consume me, I want to find freedom again. I will find it again.

I’m thankful for my relationship. It’s been 6 years coming. We were falling apart. We weren’t on the same page anymore, we weren’t appreciating. I have faith though. I know we’ll be okay. I’m writing my wrongs from here and learning to forgive myself, to forgive him. We sat in his car last night and talked. It was refreshing because I opened up to him about all the things that crossed my mind while I’d be driving to work. I told him about all the times I drove and cried quietly. We spoke about life, what I wanted for myself and what I was missing. I told him I wanted to be happy, and i’m in the process of healing and finding peace.

He’s been my Guardian Angel. He’s been there for me, watching over me and i’ll always be there for him.

I love you.

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